Another tough day but better than yesterday. I started the day off yesterday in the Word and being able to pray, I spent time in the car doing so.
I didn’t go to work. My grandma died. I just couldn’t.
I started to study for my course and then took a little break which ideally I shouldn’t have, I came across a video of one of person that I totally admire in the Body of Christ. She spoke about boldness and love and said the most powerful and amazing things. As soon as the video ended the devil accused me for hours, I felt condemned. “I have a dark heart, I do not love, all my 28 years have been wasted. There is no point being alive if I have failed to please God. I will never be able to evangelise so God might as well do away with me….” And then I began to question the love of God, I already know that the love of God IS real and is too good to be true (but is true) but yesterday I began to believe that there is no way that he could love me. ME. I looked at the mirror and even laughed at myself.
The one that everyone rejects, grew up believing that I was one waste. That’s why I can’t do a birthday party or put on my own event and get people to come, because it’s me. That’s the way its always been. I would say more on this but its not necessary. Then I was JEALOUS, pride and jealousy filled my heart. I was jealous of this precious sister I watched on Youtube, the one who I admire so much. I wanted God to myself, I don’t want to share Him, He is all I have I’ve ‘served Him for longer’, how come I don’t get encounters, how come I don’t experience Him like that, then I became bitter.
Anyway later on in the day I began reading Romans to encourage myself, that lifted me and gave me some hope. I then set aside some worship time and I pressed in to Him as much as possible. Worshiping Him and speaking in tongues. I did this for over an hour. He spoke to me and I wrote them down.
So here I am, ready to get to work today, I pray for an awesome day of joy and worship and being in His presence.
Pilgrim 