Basically, this is how my day went (16.6.17, I am writing this on the 17th). On this day I officially gave up in my own mind. I thought ‘I knew it’, ‘it was only a matter of time!’, ‘I know me, I cannot maintain a consistent and faithful walk with Christ’ and all other stuff. Over the past week I honestly felt that my fire for God had dwindled away, I was trying to grab on to every piece of passion that I could possibly hold on to to maintain my walk. Bible reading had now become a myth, always too tired, then after a while I stopped trying because I knew it wasn’t going to work anyway, so by the end of this week I had accepted defeat. I felt, there is no point me even carrying on with this blog thing, and I just accepted it. I accepted that my faith was not faith at all, I didn’t even know what my walk was about, and what was my walk based on. I had been seeing the Lord, basking in His presence then all of a sudden I feel as dry and as passionless as an unbeliever.
I looked at my ring and tried to remind myself of the love of God. It was hard, hard simply because the love of God is so rich, so incredible, so vast and that point in time my faith couldn’t grasp it. I even became concerned that this ring that I had dedicated to the Lord a few days ago had become some kind of gimmick.
Anyway, in the evening just before a meeting I went away to pray, I didn’t want to accept defeat so I walked around the room and I prayed out loud. As I prayed I felt lighter and ‘connected’ with God like He was gently doing something in my heart. Then it registered to me!!!!!!!
It was all an attack!! I cast my mind back and now know that all the times I have experienced this, these have been attacks to pull me away from God. The devil would plant thoughts in my head contrary to God’s Word, He would plant seeds of doubt and really ACCUSE me (even when I actually haven’t done anything wrong). And I would believe it. The devil would slay my mind with powerful, powerful weapons of distractions and confusion to the point my thinking and reasoning is just jokingly bizarre and irrational; sometimes I would think I was going crazy! Now this is a big thing for me to identify because THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME FOR YEARS!!!! And I have always just accepted it. Accepted it and pulled away from God, look at the victory now! All these years, I didn’t even think I was ever a target for spiritual attacks, I thought that was for only people who were ‘better’, ‘more of a threat’ I guess AND I didn’t realise that the devil was THAT conniving that He could intricately weave his way into the VERY POCKETS of my mind. Honestly. But God is good. The Word, this Word, we NEED it. The bible says in Romans 12, that we should ‘be transformed by the renewing of [our] minds’, with that comes ‘taking captive of every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ’ 2 Corinthians 10:5.
I will give you an example of how the devil accused me today. This week something happened, an incredibly painful tragedy and the night before I spoke to God about it. I then remembered the scripture where it said ‘…His ways are not our ways’ and where Paul mentions that we cannot question our Maker. And I also mentioned this to God also. Later on in the day, I saw another article that broke my heart and I imagined what I would have done if that was me, would I have been faithful? What if I lost a family member, would I have been faithful? Would I have been angry? Would I have believed? Then I tried to put my feet in the shoes of those victims. This is what the devil used to accuse me. He accused me and tried to make me feel guilty for questioning God. I rebuked him and told him he was a liar because I didn’t even do that. See, lies!
Then a few hours later I was chatting with someone who said to me ‘you, don’t understand, this devil can attack someone up to 3-4 times a day! We must be on guard’. I believe that to an absolute TEE. So guarding my mind, checking my thoughts, ensuring I don’t entertain the devil’s foolishness is key.