49 Days to Go

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Basically, this is how my day went (16.6.17, I am writing this on the 17th). On this day I officially gave up in my own mind. I thought ‘I knew it’, ‘it was only a matter of time!’, ‘I know me, I cannot maintain a consistent and faithful walk with Christ’ and all other stuff. Over the past week I honestly felt that my fire for God had dwindled away, I was trying to grab on to every piece of passion that I could possibly hold on to to maintain my walk. Bible reading had now become a myth, always too tired, then after a while I stopped trying because I knew it wasn’t going to work anyway, so by the end of this week I had accepted defeat. I felt, there is no point me even carrying on with this blog thing, and I just accepted it. I accepted that my faith was not faith at all, I didn’t even know what my walk was about, and what was my walk based on. I had been seeing the Lord, basking in His presence then all of a sudden I feel as dry and as passionless as an unbeliever.

I looked at my ring and tried to remind myself of the love of God. It was hard, hard simply because the love of God is so rich, so incredible, so vast and that point in time my faith couldn’t grasp it. I even became concerned that this ring that I had dedicated to the Lord a few days ago had become some kind of gimmick.

Anyway, in the evening just before a meeting I went away to pray, I didn’t want to accept defeat so I walked around the room and I prayed out loud. As I prayed I felt lighter and ‘connected’ with God like He was gently doing something in my heart. Then it registered to me!!!!!!!

It was all an attack!! I cast my mind back and now know that all the times I have experienced this, these have been attacks to pull me away from God. The devil would plant thoughts in my head contrary to God’s Word, He would plant seeds of doubt and really ACCUSE me (even when I actually haven’t done anything wrong). And I would believe it. The devil would slay my mind with powerful, powerful weapons of distractions and confusion to the point my thinking and reasoning is just jokingly bizarre and irrational; sometimes I would think I was going crazy! Now this is a big thing for me to identify because THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME FOR YEARS!!!! And I have always just accepted it. Accepted it and pulled away from God, look at the victory now! All these years, I didn’t even think I was ever a target for spiritual attacks, I thought that was for only people who were ‘better’, ‘more of a threat’ I guess AND I didn’t realise that the devil was THAT conniving that He could intricately weave his way into the VERY POCKETS of my mind. Honestly. But God is good. The Word, this Word, we NEED it. The bible says in Romans 12, that we should ‘be transformed by the renewing of [our] minds’, with that comes ‘taking captive of every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ’ 2 Corinthians 10:5.

I will give you an example of how the devil accused me today. This week something happened, an incredibly painful tragedy and the night before I spoke to God about it. I then remembered the scripture where it said ‘…His ways are not our ways’ and where Paul mentions that we cannot question our Maker. And I also mentioned this to God also. Later on in the day, I saw another article that broke my heart and I imagined what I would have done if that was me, would I have been faithful? What if I lost a family member, would I have been faithful? Would I have been angry? Would I have believed? Then I tried to put my feet in the shoes of those victims. This is what the devil used to accuse me. He accused me and tried to make me feel guilty for questioning God. I rebuked him and told him he was a liar because I didn’t even do that. See, lies!

Then a few hours later I was chatting with someone who said to me ‘you, don’t understand, this devil can attack someone up to 3-4 times a day! We must be on guard’. I believe that to an absolute TEE. So guarding my mind, checking my thoughts, ensuring I don’t entertain the devil’s foolishness is key.

 

 

 

 

  

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50 days to go

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My goodness!!! Forty days in???!!! Time flies. The Lord is good. I am so tired right now but will keep this very brief. God has filled my heart with love! I love again!!!! Deeeeeep, sacrificial love. I want more, more love to be poured into me. My heart is still broken because of these people – that incident that happened. Really tired now.

51 Days to Go

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Going to keep this one short and to the point. Today was a very strange one. Realised that I had ‘forgotten’ what God looks like. I keep doing this, I don’t walk in a constant revelation due to MY lack of faith, due to me NOT fully accepting the Word and resisting God’s love.

Anyway, it was a strange one today like I said. The day started off okay, listened to a sermon which enabled me just remember the beauty of God, then about halfway through the day, horrible news was broadcasted regarding a tower block incident. As the day unfolded my heart broke inside of me, I didn’t realise it would have affected me as much as it did.

I feel as though Papa is filling my heart with that love that I have been asking for, that unusual ravaging love for people. Today, I stood by my colleagues desk, had a bit of a lighthearted playful chat and she messaged me saying on the communicator app on the PC ‘thank you for coming to my desk and showing me love’. I know she wasn’t just saying that, I strongly feel that she felt Papa’s love through me. That is just so beautiful looking back.

On my way home, on the train, I saw this girl, quite big, crazy eyelashes, earphones plugged in, didn’t even pay her any attention. As I got nearer to my stop, I looked at the girl just casually, up and down, nothing to it, only to find she had no trousers on. I mean bare skin. She just had little knickers on. Bare legs. I caught one girl looking at me wanting to laugh but I ignored her. In my heart I thought that this was way too strange. I got off the train with this poor girl still in my head. As soon as I got off, I felt hit with immense guilt, I repented. I wish I could have got back on if the doors stayed open. What would I have done if I had got back on? I would have smiled at her, I would have spoken to her, I couldn’t tell you what I would have said but I would have shown her so much love. I then realised at this point that Papa has changed my heart. I didn’t feel PRESSURED to speak to her, I would have LOVED to speak to her, why? Because I LOVED her.

God is working on my heart and I am so grateful.

52 Days to Go

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I am actually writing this account on Day 51. I have been so tired, you would not even believe. I feel bad. Today I felt a whole mix of emotions, I spent the day avoiding God because I felt guilty that I woke up this morning without spending enough time with Him before going to work. It wasn’t even that it wasn’t enough, I DIDN’T spend time with Him at all. So I avoided Him. I still am trying to get my head around God’s love. I find it hard to believe that He could love me so much and forgive me and actually forget my sins. So yeah, I spent the day avoiding Him because of my guilt. I have WAY too much pride. I also feel like I am sliding backwards, I haven’t read the Word in ages. I need to get to it. I had to take my ring back yesterday to get the stone replaced, but of course, I will still remember God’s commitment to me.  If you see how tired I am. I pray today is a better day, I pray that I can get out of my pride. I still haven’t been able to even address my responsibilities in the Body of Christ due to my tiredness, I feel guilty. Everything just seems virtually impossible to balance.

Today I will read the Word, I want to see His heart again, I will read Genesis, a chunk of Isaiah and John. I am so tired. Today will be a real sacrifice.

53 Days to Go

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So today was an okay day. I feel again like I am slowly on the decline. I haven’t been so good expressing my worship at work. Towards the end of the day I just became very tired, I still maintained a positive attitude but I allowed myself to feel drained and almost bored. I wrote letters to God throughout the day to express my heart to Him, the day was quite busy so I couldn’t really commit to it. After that I went to a birthday party, got home late and had a very early morning. I tried to spend enough time with God before going to bed but that failed. I sill felt His presence though. I don’t want to mess this up, I don’t want to lose Him.

54 Days to Go

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So yesterday I bought my ring, I felt really special yesterday and before I wore it I prayed and asked the Lord that each time I looked at the ring on my hand that I would be reminded of His love for me.  Yesterday, I felt so precious, whenever a thought of insecurity or condemnation would sweep across my mind, I just reminded myself ‘at least Christ died for me and purchased me with His precious blood.’ In the evening though, one of the crystals fell out, which was sad, but I will sort that out, no problem by the grace of God.

Anyway, yesterday AGAIN, I didn’t get to spend the time that I wanted with with God, but rather than feeling guilty I just assured myself that He was still with me and would never go, I looked at my ring and which served as a physical reminder of His commitment to me.

Anyway, over the past few days, I have been praying for boldness, and odd kind of boldness, a boldness so bold that it would even make God laugh, that is the type of boldness that I want. Not the type of boldness that I would have to put on, or become some kind of character to display it, but a real boldness from the Holy Spirit. I can’t wait because I know the Lord has done something in my heart. I am so ready to further the Kingdom of God, I am so ready for God to shake up and stir up lives through me, I am so ready for the move and for the revival and there will be one across the Body of Christ and across the nations, therefore, there is absolutely no place for timidity and fear.

I cannot wait to fully pour out. That’s what I want, I want to live a life FULLY POURED OUT FOR GOD.

55 Days to Go

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So I am going to type this so quickly. The reason being is that I hate typing up these accounts in arrears, I’d rather even rush to be honest.

Anyway, just quickly. I honestly feel that I am sinking back to my old ways, the lethargic attitude that I have towards prayer, the not caring fully about my Father. I wake up in the morning too tired to pray and when I try to pray, the words are just mumbled, scrambled and not even coherent.

Even the Word, this bible, the one that I have now, I don’t like it. It’s not even to blame seeing as it is NKJV, so I can’t blame it. But I will keep pushing. Papa is the most important thing to me, so I will not just accept this. I will seek Him, love Him and spend time in His presence.  

 

56 Days to go

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I tried to make up for it, tried to pray through the night, I didn’t want to sleep off, I just wanted to show God that I was available, so I ended up ‘just resting my eyes’. So by the time I ‘woke up’ it was about 4. I tried to pray…. This morning was tough, I feel guilty because of last night, the enemy reared his ugly head this morning again… and here I am, tired, missing my NKJV bible.

Anyway, I am going to fast again this week, I want to show Him that I care and that I love Him. One of my prayer points this week and last, was for me to recognise God’s love for me. I am still on the journey to doing so. I don’t need to struggle for His affection, but I just want to be right.

Anyway, I am excited for today, I will buy a special perfume as a symbol of God’s love for me and I will buy my ring tomorrow by God’s grace. I will also try and get myself a new bible because I feel empty without the Word, NLT doesn’t cut it for me. Anyway, I must dash. Running late.

57 Days to Go

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I feel a bit gutted, I feel like I am really slacking. The Word, I haven’t been much diligent in, for some reason, even on these later shifts, I am so knackered. I haven’t been praying PROPERLY and I haven’t even faced this entries, I have been typing them in arrears this week, I feel so guilty.

I am actually even writing this on day 56, so bear with me while I recall everything that happened yesterday. Well, I determined to fast to get closer to God, I have fasted everyday this week breaking at 2, but yesterday I broke at 1.30.

I tried to maintain an attitude of worship while I was at work which I did. Ni complain, just doing everything joyfully as unto the Lord, which I did, I showed the customers as much love and patience as possible. I headed off to Homebase to buy some plant seeds, one of my worship activities is to plant some seeds for my Lord, just to show Him how much He means to me.

During the day, I promised one of the young people that I will call her to check on her and gave her a time, then I told God that at 10pm I will begin my worship after I had ‘done my duty of checking up’. My Spirit was on fire before I called the girl, I should’t have even done so, I should have not even bothered, I should have out Papa first, I feel like I quenched the fire, God was ready for me and I was busy making phonecalls. I feel so bad.

58 Days to Go

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Okay so I am actually writing this account on day 56. So bad, I need to stop doing this!

Anyway let me get right into it. I feel as though somehow my momentum has slowed down. I am not as ‘fighty’ as I was in the beginning, I have allowed lethargy to come in, I am not as disciplined and I really need to tidy my act together. In terms of worship, I feel as though, I need to be more disciplined in this. I find it difficult to express myself, like sometimes I can’t even speak just because I just don’t have the Words, but don’t get me wrong, I am still in awe, I just wish I had an appropriate expression in order to please God with.

Today, I learnt such a key lesson. I will never downplay my convictions or my standing with God in order to make someone feel ‘less condemned’ or ‘judge’. That’s what happened today and that is what I do with other Christians also. Why do I do this? The fear of man. Well, never again. I will be faithful and loyal to God, I don’t care who gets offended, that is the lesson that I am taking from today. Being righteous and unapologetic about it.

I am really struggling now, I lost my bible which is so painful and now I am reading NLT in the interim, the adjustment is interesting, but I find I have become attached to my actual bible rather than the Words inside which shouldn’t be the case.

One more thing, I really felt the presence of God towards the end of the day, I felt His love. We went out last night to the shop, I was hungry and I felt as though the Holy Spirit did not want me to have the thing that I craved, it’s not as though He was restricting me but I felt His heart. My sister said that she wanted it but of course I did too and would have ate some too, that would have been the plan just in case the Lord changed His mind. When I got home, my appetite just went, I didn’t care about my flesh, all I wanted to do was please my God with everything right down to me sacrificing my favourite food, ow God knows that is a big deal for me!

Anyway tomorrow is another day.