I have nothing to really write about in terms of yesterday. Overall, I have just realised a whole heap of things.
1. I have an irrational, abnormal and strange fear of things. It’s as if I don’t trust in or even believe in the power of God. So unfortunate.
2. I am too proud to accept the love of God. I feel that I need to work for His love and until then, I won’t accept any form of love. I am too proud and too hard. I find it difficult to accept free love.
3. The devil actually messes with my head, I didn’t realise it but I can now identify little forms of attacks that occur in my mind, the bouts of confusion during prayer and even in my day-to-day frame of mind. If I was to go into it then you will find it so bizarre.
God is calling me into His embrace, but this wicked spirit of pride rears its ugly head. I will stand my ground, yield and love Him.
I need to understand that God is not a man, He is not like all the people who have rubbished me over the years, so tonight I am just going to humble myself in worship and express my heart to Him. I need serious help, honestly. God will help me.
God is trying to show me love, but I am way too proud. I have had it in my heart to really do something nice for myself, buy a really nice perfume or something out of the ordinary as a symbolism of how much God loves me. It’s strange. All my life I haven’t even loved myself, I’ve just genuinely subconsciously accepted that everyone is better than me and I am not worth much, which is why I don’t like people doing things for me, I feel like the gesture has been wasted on me.
How can I tell people about the love of God when I haven’t even accepted it myself. How can I pour out love when I don’t treat myself nicely and believe that I am one rubbish rag. I have really rubbished myself, not had any value, not been nice to myself. So yeah, I need a lot of help.
As much as I want to evangelise and help the world, maybe I should accept God’s love for me and seek it out, walk in it and abide in it; then carry out my assignment, is it as straightforward as that? Is that selfish of me? Do I strategically follow a process? Anyway. Tonight I let go of my pride. I will worship Him tonight and really seek His face.