59 days to go – 6.6.17

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The bible says that the effective prayer of the righteous availeth much – I am going to exercise this today. I will write more tomorrow morning.

I’m back, it’s now ‘tomorrow morning’! its actually day 58 now, but juts writing day 59’s account. So yesterday, I woke up in the morning, worshiped and spent time with God before I headed off to work. I walked in love with all the customers and made sure I had an attitude that will honour God throughout the day.

Got home late, so I didn’t really go in as much as I wanted to. Honestly, over the past week or so, I have been slacking in reading the Word.

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60 Days to Go

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So today I want to use this day as a day of full worship. I want to surrender this day as a soothing aroma to my Papa’s heart. I commit to fully loving and seeing people the way Jesus does and loving them beyond my human capacity.

I will let you know how the rest of today goes, either today or tomorrow.

Tomorrow it is! Very quickly I am going to have to type this. I have about 4 minutes. Anyway, yesterday was okay. Just really exercised loving people, this is something that I do not want to fall by the wayside, I want to love people with ALL my heart, the way Jesus does, even the ‘unlovable’ people, the ones that are so RUDE. I wanna love them with all my heart.

It is so good, the atmosphere of heaven is just coming to my office. Jesus’ name is being glorified, in even the smallest things. I will continue to pray.

My prayer requests were this today:

Lord, when people look at me let them see YOU AND Your glory.

There were more prayer points this but I don’t feel as though I am at liberty to share at this point,

Bless you all. Off I go!!

61 Days to go

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I am actually writing up this account on day 60.

This day I was really in my head, I was extremely sober today and was thinking about a lot of things. In fact I was very emotional. I didn’t cry or anything, its just that my feelings were so stirred.

I read and made notes on Romans chapter 8, the things that stood out to me in that chapter was the love of God that has been displayed for my sake. The scripture says that the Holy Spirit prays on my behalf and that Jesus Himself, seated at the right hand of God prays for me. This love is extremely humbling.  I am really going to try and accept and absorb this love that He has for me.

Yesterday, again it became more and more solid within my spirit, the fact that I am a stranger here. The honest truth is is that I can go at any time, my prayer is that my life won’t get cut short because there is still a lot that I need to do. I would like to do many social enterprises, they don’t even have to be that, I just put that title there so that I can at least have a named thing to work towards. I would like to work with people who have been written off: drug users, foster, children, those on their death beds, people with rough upbringing etc.

I want to do a lot for this world, I want to pour out the love of Christ.

Yesterday I wanted to worship but I think I spent too long then I fell asleep and was incoherent. I will need to switch things up. I am going to do something special tonight by the grace of God.

62 days to go

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I have nothing to really write about in terms of yesterday. Overall, I have just realised a whole heap of things.

1. I have an irrational, abnormal and strange fear of things. It’s as if I don’t trust in or even believe in the power of God. So unfortunate.

2. I am too proud to accept the love of God. I feel that I need to work for His love and until then, I won’t accept any form of love. I am too proud and too hard. I find it difficult to accept free love.

3. The devil actually messes with my head, I didn’t realise it but I can now identify little forms of attacks that occur in my mind, the bouts of confusion during prayer and even in my day-to-day frame of mind. If I was to go into it then you will find it so bizarre.

God is calling me into His embrace, but this wicked spirit of pride rears its ugly head. I will stand my ground, yield and love Him.

I need to understand that God is not a man, He is not like all the people who have rubbished me over the years, so tonight I am just going to humble myself in worship and express my heart to Him. I need serious help, honestly. God will help me.

God is trying to show me love, but I am way too proud. I have had it in my heart to really do something nice for myself, buy a really nice perfume or something out of the ordinary as a symbolism of how much God loves me. It’s strange. All my life I haven’t even loved myself, I’ve just genuinely subconsciously accepted that everyone is better than me and I am not worth much, which is why I don’t like people doing things for me, I feel like the gesture has been wasted on me.

How can I tell people about the love of God when I haven’t even accepted it myself. How can I pour out love when I don’t treat myself nicely and believe that I am one rubbish rag. I have really rubbished myself, not had any value, not been nice to myself. So yeah, I need a lot of help.

As much as I want to evangelise and help the world, maybe I should accept God’s love for me and seek it out, walk in it and abide in it; then carry out my assignment, is it as straightforward as that? Is that selfish of me? Do I strategically follow a process? Anyway. Tonight I let go of my pride. I will worship Him tonight and really seek His face.

63 Days to go

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I have woken up so guilty and so annoyed, I haven’t been getting enough sleep, meaning that I haven’t been able to spend enough time as I’d like to, which is annoying.

Yesterday was wonderful, I can see the Lord changing me and working on my heart, I have a deep and genuine love for people and God is giving me His heart for His children. I prayed for one of my managers last week, I properly intercede for him, we weren’t close before, but yesterday he stayed behind over work and we bonded, laughed together and we spent a whole hour together. I loves this man with the love of God.

Yesterday, my worship was amazing, I feel like I went to another dimension, as I was praying and worshiping I felt like I was being lifted, it was the most incredible feeling ever, when I didn’t even know what to say, those melodies came forth, but this was different, not like the melodies I have been singing, but I feel as though these ones are literally heaven songs, I felt I had been singing these songs before but yesterday’s was different.

I was annoyed because I allowed myself to be distracted, plus I was EXTREMELY tired. I want to press in today.

I look forward to pressing in. By the way, on Tuesday, I bought potted flowers for my desk. I love having life on my desk, something living. Like flowers, I believe they praise my Papa. I got rid of the lilies, as soon as they died they began to look ugly, I didn’t even miss them or feel sad that they died…

64 Days To Go

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Another tough day but better than yesterday. I started the day off yesterday in the Word and being able to pray, I spent time in the car doing so.

I didn’t go to work. My grandma died. I just couldn’t.

I started to study for my course and then took a little break which ideally I shouldn’t have, I came across a video of one of person that I totally admire in the Body of Christ. She spoke about boldness and love and said the most powerful and amazing things. As soon as the video ended the devil accused me for hours, I felt condemned. “I have a dark heart, I do not love, all my 28 years have been wasted. There is no point being alive if I have failed to please God. I will never be able to evangelise so God might as well do away with me….” And then I began to question the love of God, I already know that the love of God IS real and is too good to be true (but is true) but yesterday I began to believe that there is no way that he could love me. ME. I looked at the mirror and even laughed at myself.

The one that everyone rejects, grew up believing that I was one waste. That’s why I can’t do a birthday party or put on my own event and get people to come, because it’s me. That’s the way its always been. I would say more on this but its not necessary. Then I was JEALOUS, pride and jealousy filled my heart. I was jealous of this precious sister I watched on Youtube, the one who I admire so much. I wanted God to myself, I don’t want to share Him, He is all I have I’ve ‘served Him for longer’, how come I don’t get encounters, how come I don’t experience Him like that, then I became bitter.

Anyway later on in the day I began reading Romans to encourage myself, that lifted me and gave me some hope. I then set aside some worship time and I pressed in to Him as much as possible. Worshiping Him and speaking in tongues. I did this for over an hour. He spoke to me and I wrote them down.

So here I am, ready to get to work today, I pray for an awesome day of joy and worship and being in His presence.

 

 

 

65 Days to Go

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Another tough day but better than yesterday. I started the day off yesterday in the Word and being able to pray, I spent time in the car doing so.

I didn’t go to work. My grandma died. I just couldn’t.

I started to study for my course and then took a little break which ideally I shouldn’t have, I came across a video of one of person that I totally admire in the Body of Christ. She spoke about boldness and love and said the most powerful and amazing things. As soon as the video ended the devil accused me for hours, I felt condemned. “I have a dark heart, I do not love, all my 28 years have been wasted. There is no point being alive if I have failed to please God. I will never be able to evangelise so God might as well do away with me….” And then I began to question the love of God, I already know that the love of God IS real and is too good to be true (but is true) but yesterday I began to believe that there is no way that he could love me. ME. I looked at the mirror and even laughed at myself.

The one that everyone rejects, grew up believing that I was one waste. That’s why I can’t do a birthday party or put on my own event and get people to come, because it’s me. That’s the way its always been. I would say more on this but its not necessary. Then I was JEALOUS, pride and jealousy filled my heart. I was jealous of this precious sister I watched on Youtube, the one who I admire so much. I wanted God to myself, I don’t want to share Him, He is all I have I’ve ‘served Him for longer’, how come I don’t get encounters, how come I don’t experience Him like that, then I became bitter.

Anyway later on in the day I began reading Romans to encourage myself, that lifted me and gave me some hope. I then set aside some worship time and I pressed in to Him as much as possible. Worshiping Him and speaking in tongues. I did this for over an hour. He spoke to me and I wrote them down.

So here I am, ready to get to work today, I pray for an awesome day of joy and worship and being in His presence.

 

 

 

65 days to go

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Yesterday was bad for me. I wanted to go to church early to pray, didn’t happen. Didn’t read my bible. Got home in the evening to pray, I couldn’t. Whenever I open my mouth to pry, random thoughts cruise round my head. I feel discourage, I feel like I am sinful, bad, undeserving and need to work extremely hard to get back into God’s presence. I am even tired of typing this, the only reason I am now typing this is that I don’t want to break my commitment to typing up my daily accounts. I woke up wanting to just ‘follow my flesh’, was itching to check my phone rather than read the Word. I don’t want to go back. If you should even see my room, it’s a mess, everything just seems like a mess, even my life, just seems so chaotic, so disorganised. Right now, I am not in a good place. I just need God to help me right now, I very off.

67 days to go

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Yesterday was bad for me. I wanted to go to church early to pray, didn’t happen. Didn’t read my bible. Got home in the evening to pray, I couldn’t. Whenever I open my mouth to pry, random thoughts cruise round my head. I feel discourage, I feel like I am sinful, bad, undeserving and need to work extremely hard to get back into God’s presence. I am even tired of typing this, the only reason I am now typing this is that I don’t want to break my commitment to typing up my daily accounts. I woke up wanting to just ‘follow my flesh’, was itching to check my phone rather than read the Word. I don’t want to go back. If you should even see my room, it’s a mess, everything just seems like a mess, even my life, just seems so chaotic, so disorganised. Right now, I am not in a good place. I just need God to help me right now, I very off.

68 Days to go

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I wanted to get to church early to pray, I was already dressed, I would have been at church early but all of a sudden the rain began to gush down so heavily, I then had to wait for it to stop, before I knew it it was too late, I had to leave the house with my siblings and arrived at church at 11 with no time for me and God.

I was busy for the rest of the day, I managed to squeeze in about 30 mins of quiet time during the day which was okay. When I got home, I tried to have time with Him but I then became SO TIRED, I fell asleep. I feel bad. I need the grace of God.